Murphy's (Clegg's?) Law

For the past week or so, it has seemed that anything and everything that COULD go wrong HAS gone wrong. And quite frankly, it's pushing me to the brink of insanity, were I not already there.

Settle in, folks. Grab your coffee, because this blog is my proverbial couch, and you, dear reader, are the overpaid therapist.

On Thursday, August 13, the fam all headed to the Great White North for bro-in-law's nuptials. Now, I approached this trip with a little more trepidation than usual. With that being said, those who live with me (Ian) know that I am totally bat-shit crazy when it comes to travelling with our pint-sized human. After all, this being one and the same child who screamed bloody murder for 4.5 out of 6 hours when we flew back to Boston while Ian was deployed. Couple the toddler trepidation with my habit of packing for trips 45 minutes or so before we leave (Gertrude Murphy is rolling over in her grave right now...sorry, Dema!) and you've got a huge ball of criz-zazy goin' on.

But, as it turned out, the trip was perfect. Aaron, seeming to have shed the skin of toddler, was a perfect angel the entire flight. As Ian would later relate it, "...he got a little cranky when we were getting ready to land since we had to turn off his Thomas videos."

Um, excusé moi? A LITTLE CRANKY? This body-snatcher child?! The same one who had me seriously considering throwing either myself or him (possibly both) from the plane at 10,000 feet a mere 3 months ago? A little cranky, my pinky toe.

So after we managed to wrangle our luggage into a rental car (sweet Hay-soos, I can't wait until making Aaron pack and lug his own luggage isn't considered to be child abuse!), we took off for St. Mary's, Ontario. I'm not sure how adequately that map conveys the sense of how deep in the country this place actually was. East Bumfuck is a sprawling metropolis compared to this place.

All of this is not to say, however, that Patrick and MaryAnne's wedding was not charming and perfect and all that, but holy hell, I thought I grew up in the backwoods. (Woods, that now have, apparently, the need for a Wendy's, CVS, Walgreens, Waffle House, and many other fine local establishments. It makes me feel wicked old to actually say "Back in my day, there were trees and fields, and the intersection was a four-way stop. Stop optional.")

Ian was, obviously, in the wedding party, and therefore, unable to assist with wrangling Aaron during the ceremony/reception. But, as it turned out, there would actually be no need for it. 45-minute drive to the church from the hotel? No, mom, I'm cool. 2-hour long Tridentine Latin chant mass? No, thanks, it's cool, mom, I'll just sit here quietly through the WHOLE THING and play with my trains. No sweat.

Ok, who are you, pint-sized child man, and what have you done with my son?

Aaron finally showed up at about 10:30 that night, nap-deprived and showing only a slight and fleeting interest in doing the chicken dance with his uncle Brendan before not even the promise of Thomas (ooh, hey, that's a catchy little phrase) could calm him. So, away we went. Ian "Life-of-the-Party" Brown stayed behind to dance away the night until the wee hours of the morning, and Aaron and I headed back to the hotel.

Side story: Once upon a time, I bought a new car. The dealer made the mistake of telling me that the fuel light in the car comes on when there is one gallon of gas left in the tank. Therefore, once the light comes on, I still have about 25–30 miles of highway driving to get my happy ass to a gas station. I have, on occasion, led Ian to the brink of a heart attack by pushing the limits of my car's MPGs. I always make it, though.

Halfway back to the hotel, my fuel light comes on. Now, I'm usually NOT perturbed by this, but since there was still a good 30 miles to the hotel, and I couldn't recall seeing a gas station in recent memory, I became slightly worried.

(Thought you knew where this was going, eh?)

My worry was for naught, however, and both Aaron and I made it back to the hotel in one piece, where he promptly fell asleep facedown in his Thomas pillow. (Actually, it was quite the sight to see: in the morning, I woke up first, and both Ian and Aaron were in the same position; namely, on their stomachs, one arm wrapped around the pillow in which their faces were buried, the other flung out to the side. Ahh, like father, like son.) Later that day, once Ian extracted himself from his bed, we packed our things again, and headed back to Toronto. Once everyone had arrived, the grandparents kicked the parents out, so Ian and I and Ian's cousin Alice, and her husband, Miguel got a free night out on the town and some delightful lamb chops in Greektown.

The next day, Monday, Ian, Aaron, and I joined Ian's mom, aunt, uncle, Alice, Miguel, and their kids, Miguelito and Pedro, for a trip out to Toronto Island. It was a lot of fun, since the place is an amusement park of sorts, but has many rides tailored to young kids. Our fearless offspring dove headfirst into pretty much everything we threw at him (though, for the record, the spinning teacups are a "no-no." It seems Aaron likes his tea straight up: no twirling. What can I say, he's a man of simple tastes.), but occasionally it was hard to tell who was more nervous about the rides: Miguel or Miguelito. Nontheless, we all had a good time.

Tuesday afternoon, Ian and I headed down to Buffalo to return our rental car and stay the night, as I had to leave at the ass crack of dawn to catch my flight back to San Diego. And this is where it all took a turn for the worse.

As we were rushing out the door, I realized that I hadn't printed off my boarding passes. "Eh, no biggie," I thought, "as long as I'm there on time, I can check in tomorrow morning." I turned on my iPhone, pulled up my email reservation and checked the time of departure: 8:05 am.

We returned our car, and headed off into the sunset to find our hotel. Now, apparently, in my years since working in the hotel industry, I seem to have become what Ian calls a "hotel snob." But hey, I worked for Marriott for like, 3 years, and we had, you know, standards. But since Ian's standards were cheap, frugal, not costly, and inexpensive, we found ourselves at the EconoLodge in South Buffalo. I'm sure you've seen it...on the news.

So, we found our local bookstore, had a delightful dinner, and headed back to the "hotel," where I gingerly peeled back the bedspread making sure that contact between it and my own body was as minimal as possible, and we read for a bit, and eventually went to sleep.

Now, this entire time, Ian has had a cold that has settled in his throat, it seemed, since he was inexplicably coughing himself stupid. He even spent a few nights on the couch in Toronto so he wouldn't wake the entire house with his hacking. At 2:00 am on Wednesday, he broke into one of his fits, except that, this time, he was coughing so hard that he threw up. Needless to say, neither one of us really slept well that night.

My alarm went off at 5:45, and I jumped in and out of the shower as quickly as possible in order to avoid contracting an STD, and, after a few wrong turns, we finally pulled into the airport at 7:00. I grabbed my suitcase, kissed Ian goodbye, and happily skipped into the terminal, ready to begin my huband- and baby-free "me time."

While I was standing in line to check-in, I looked for my flight on the departures board. When I didn't see it, I was a little confused, double checked to make sure I wasn't looking at the arrivals board, and looked again. Nope, not listed. Huh. I turned on my (almost dead) phone, to look for the flight number when I saw my mistake. That 8:05 departure? Yeah, that was the San Diego departure. I was supposed to have left Buffalo at 7:00. Having missed my flight, I was now on stand-by. The lady at the ticket counter was super nice, and after I showed her my military ID, she was gung-ho about getting me back home, stat.

I got on the first available flight to Baltimore, and it seemed like, even though I was completely retarded and missed my flight, I would make it to San Diego only a few hours later than originally planned.

Now, I don't know who that optimistic, life-is-good person was, but it couldn't have been me. I don't do optimistic. When asked whether my glass is half full or half empty, my reply is that it's probably poisoned, that's how optimistic I am.

After not getting on the FOURTH flight, I was getting more and more concerned. After my trials and tribulations with government health care, I was supposed to be back at work the next day, so not getting to San Diego THAT DAY was not an option if I wanted to keep my job. By now, I have also made Frenemies with 2 or 3 other people on stand-by, also trying to get to San Diego.

Now, I say "Frenemies" because, let's face it: we're competing for a seat. It acutally took us a few rounds to realize how the whole stand-by thing works: basically, you're given a priority (I'm assuming High, Medium, and Low), and if you don't get on one flight, your name and priority are automatically transferred to the next available flight, so you don't have to, as I and my frenemies did for two or three rounds, have to race each other from gate to gate to check in first, throw your arms and chest out as the losers skid to a stop behind you. It's just NOT NECESSARY. BUT, they didn't tell us that until we had missed, like, the 3rd flight. So, it was fun while it lasted.

At this point, it's pushing 4:00 EST. With all the flights overbooked, confirmed passengers are being asked to volunteer their seats to accommodate everyone, so all we stand-bys can do is pray that some idiot misreads their departure time and misses their flight. Ahem.

Also at this point, I'm seriously considering changing my final destination to Los Angeles, since it seems that I might have slightly better luck in getting there than to San Diego. It's only 1.5 hours from where I need to be, and I can either rent a car and drive home or take the train. While I'm debating this strategy, the gate agent informs me that I have the highest priority for stand-by passengers, so if there's one seat open, just one seat, it's got my name on it.

Conundrum. Wait it out for San Diego with my high priority or switch to LAX and low priority but better chances? Figuring that if I were to switch to LAX and the next flight to San Diego would have space available, I decide to stick with it, tough it out, and all sorts of other motivational cliches.

And, lo and behold, IT WORKS. Almost.

When all the confirmed passengers have boarded, stand-by passengers can be seen anxiously scanning the halls for anyone who is running. Running people are bad. They're probably running to catcht the flight YOU want to get on. Gate agents page passengers who are checked in, but not on board. In this case, they were looking for one Joe Toscana. They paged him once. They paged him again. They gave him a final warning . Then, cue choir of heavenly angels, they tell me it's a go. My frenemies glare at me as I prance down the jetway and take my seat. I squish myself between two little old ladies, who inquire as to my flushed cheeks, sparkling eyes, and overall countenance of triumph, and I relate my travel woes. But, in the middle of relation, the surfer-boy gate agent starts looking for me. I can tell he's looking for me, and for some reason, I just know they're going to take me off again. I scrunch down in my chair, but it's no use. Apparently, Joe Toscana was in the pisser on the plane when they were looking for him, and he's already on board. Damn you, Joe Tosacana, damn you!

I slink back up the jetway, tears of frustration streaming down my once-triumph-flushed cheeks as various gate agents offer their condolences. Yeah, yeah, yeah, bite me. Just get me on a plane.

And then, Kim appears. Glorious Kim. Angel Kim. Gate agent extrordinare Kim. Kim lowers her voice and levels with me. I feel like we're making a drug deal. She needs 10 minutes. 3 people haven't yet checked in for the next flight, which is direct to San Diego with stops in Denver and Las Vegas. If, in 10 minutes, those 3 people aren't checked in, she can cancel their reservations and get me a boarding pass. In fact, I only need for one of those 3 not to check in. I pray for traffic, for keys locked in cars, for long security lines. 12 minutes later, I'm hovering in a corner near Kim and she slides a boarding pass across the desk to me. A boarding pass. Sweet Jesus, the rapture! Baltimore, it's been a thin slice of heaven, but I am OUTTA HERE!

I cautiously walk, once again, down the jetway (no prancing this time, as it did me NO GOOD last time around) and settle in in the last available seat next to the Drunkest. Man. I. Have. EVER. Seen. In. My. Life. And that's saying a lot. I did, after all, go to a Catholic college.

This man was hiccupping, trying to give his trash to the flight attending DURING THE SAFETY BRIEF, and was so drunk, he was slurring his pauses. And, ohmigod, the smell. Kill me. BUT, I am on my way home, and he evenually passes out (on my shoulder).

We land in Denver, and are informed by our chipper crew that they will be doing a count of all through passengers, and once that count is confirmed, we are free to change seats, dance around, throw a rave in the emergency exit row, whatever. So they do the count. It's one over.

Finally haven gotten West of the Mississippi River, I feel it's ok not to hide. So I tell the flight attendent that I was a stand-by passenger who got a seat, and that I'm probably the one not included in their count. Ok, ma'am, stay put, we'll get you a boarding pass, you're fine, and you can stay.

I imagine my euphoria at being told I could stay would be not unlike being told I was accepted by a sorority. But, again, that whole Catholic school thing=no Greek life, and well, I was a theatre nerd, anyway.

So anyhoo, the flight from Denver takes off and I'm on it. The only way they could get me off of it would be to toss me out across the skies of Colorado. And (hopefully) that's not happening.

A short time later, we begin to descend into Sin City. Now, I was an airline brat as a child, taking my first unaccompanied flight around the age of 5, and I eventually grew up to marry a pilot. I've had my share of rough landings. So we're descending (all the while I'm looking for the Bellagio, where Ian and I will be staying in a few weeks for the old man's bday!) and we're probably, what, like 100 or 200 feet off the ground? when there's a burst of power from the engines, and we're thrown backwards as the plane begins a steep, sharp ascent back up in to the air.

Uh....ok. What just happened? The captain comes on over the PA and lets us know, hey, guys, sorry about that, but the plane that landed before us hadn't yet cleared the runway, so there might have been a bit of a collision of sorts if we hadn't waved off the landing.

Comforting. Let's all pitch in and get the air traffic controller some coffee, shall we? All I can think is, Oh Em Gee, I was almost on the evening news.

On attempt numero dos, we actually DO land, and we get the same spiel. Through passengers, stay seated until we get the count, blah, blah, blah. I straight up tell the flight attendant that his count will be one over, and it's me! it's me! so don't freak out, ok?

So, World's Drunkest Man and others deplane, they get their count (it's one over, imagine that), and then it's cool. Until it's not cool.

"There's a man who leads a life of danger/To everyone he meets he stays a stranger/With every move he makes another chance he takes/Scrawny Agent Man, Scrawny Agent Man!/They've given you a number and taken away your name."

"Attention passengers! There is someone on this plane who shouldn't be. There should only be 7 of you, and there are 8. I am coming through with a list of names, and if you shouldn't be here, you will be asked to leave."

OK, whoa. No need for an investigation, folks. I TOLD you it was me. I raise my hand and let Scrawny Agent Man know, um, hello? It's me. I already told you!

"Ma'am. What's your last name, please?"

"Um, Brown."

"I'm sorry, ma'am. Could you speak directly into the microphone, please?" (OK, not really, he just asked me to repeat myself, but whatever.)

"BROWN. Like the color."

"Well, ma'am, you're not on the list."

"I know. I already told you that."

"Please gather your belongings and come with me."

Now, to the 7 other people on the plane, they're probably thinking that I've just been busted for meth possession or something (it's baby powder, I swear!!) the way this guy is making it out. Wielding his blue pen of justice, he IS Scrawny Agent Man!

SAM makes me do the Jetway Walk of Shame and tells me that I'll have to check in as a stand-by passenger.

Um, excuse, SAM, I already did that. I was told that the boarding pass I received would allow me to--

Irrelevant, ma'am. You'll need to check in with Mike. Now, he's the one over there behind the (finger air quotes) check-in counter. He's got the short, dark hair, he's wearing khaki shorts, short sleeves... (I'm sorry, SAM, am I now a contestant on a dating gameshow? Check-in desk. Got it.)

Now, Mike, bless his heart, is just so. So. Confused. He asks me my name, I tell him. He can't find my reservation. He asks me for my confirmation number, and I rattle it off without looking. Mike looks up, surprised.

"Wow. Bonus points for that."

"Mike, I don't want bonus points. I just want a seat to San Diego."

"Hmm...(looking at magic computer screen for answers)...well...OK. Tell me about Buffalo."

"Um, it's in New York. It's near Canada. They like, invented the hot wing or something. Have you been to the EconoLodge there? It's just lovely."

"So what happened in Buffalo?"

"I missed my flight. They put me on stand-by. I flew to Baltimore. They, too, have good hot wings. Man, I am HUNGRY. I got on flight 824. Denver to...where am I? Vegas. Denver to Vegas. Continuing to San Diego."

"But why are you HERE?"

"Because they pulled me off the plane."

"But why are you in Vegas?"

"Because the plane stopped here. What am I missing here, Mike?"

"Well, you were supposed to go from Denver to San Diego."

"Yes, Mike, that's what I'M TRYING TO DO."

"Well, you should be on flight 824."

"The one behind you, the one they just pulled me off of?!"

After a few more minutes of intelligent banter with Mike, I run, at breakneck speed, with boarding pass in hand, toss it at SAM, and run back down the jetway moments before they close the cabin door.

Ohmigod. WHATEVER. JUST GET ME HOME.

We take off. We land in San Diego. I fetch my bags from Southwest Baggage Center, where my bags have been since like, oh, 11:00am. It's now 8:30pm, PST, and I'm only like 10 hours later than I had originally planned, but whatever, it's cool. I grab my bags, and head for the curb, where I will be picked up by the courtesy van that will take me to the truck, and I can finally go home. Perky Driver Gal attempts to make small talk, is brutally rebuffed, and I'm finally in the truck. Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger? Don't mind if I do! I drive home. Finally, I pull in. I throw the truck into park, grab my suitcase, and head to the door.

I turn the knob on screen door. You know the one, it's been there since the house was built in 1986. Orignal knobs that were, I'm sure, at some point, gold or something. They're, like, organic at this point. The screen door for which, if there ever were a key, it's more than possible that the knob would actually eat it if you tried to put it in there.

And. It's LOCKED.

At this point, it all comes flooding back. I've been awake since 2am EST, it's now 9:30pm PST, and I'm locked. Out. Of. My. House.

I let loose with a string of curses that would stun a sailor into silence. Since I do have my own car keys, I can get in to my car to get the garage door opener, but since the door leading from the garage to the house is, obviously locked and dead-bolted, I don't get much further than that. I'm digging through our toolbox, I'm prying screens off windows, and I've got a sledgehammer in my hand ready to take a window out when I hear my neighbor, Ken (Kent? Fred?) in his backyard. After giving him a slight heart attack, I explain my situation, and the two of us spend the next hour trying to break into a house in which I now feel completely and utterly secure.

After Ken/Kent/Fred (I don't know why, but everytime I see the man, "Fred" flashes in my head.) managed to pry open the shower window and climb up into the shower and drop down in, he let me in the front door, helped me with my bags, and I thought to myself, "Finally. I am home. And I can take a shower. And I can go. To. Bed."

But no. Oh, no. No no.

After being on a plane for, like, 5 hours, it occurs to me that I really need to go to the bathroom. But when I try to flush, nothing happens. I then realize that, while we were on vacation, Ian turned off the water to the house, and I have absolutely no frakking idea where the water main is. (Or so I thought--turns out that he actually just turned off each individual line. With the strength of the Hulk. Leaving me and my frail, petite little hands up, ahem, Shit Creek.) After repeated calls to his cell phone, I truly and utterly gave up. It's now close to 11:00 and I have to be at work in the morning. I set my alarm for 5:00, with the intention of getting up and going to the gym for the sole purpose of using their shower on my way in to work.

When 5:00 rolls around, I drag my ass out of bed, jump in my car and get ready to go to the gym. I start my car and drive off, and in my sleepy stupor think to myself, "Man, this car doesn't ride as smoothly as our rental did. Huh. Oh well."

Before I leave my neighborhood, I realize that my tire is flat. SERIOUSLY.

But, you know what? At this point, it was like, hey, whatever. What else could POSSIBLY go wrong? Everything? OK, cool. I'm just rolling with the punches. I switch out the car for the truck, go to the gym, shower the past 32 hours off my body, and go to work. I call Dan, my civilian friend's husband, who serves as Mr. Fix-It when any of the military guys are gone (and, truthfully, sometimes when they're not) to come throw on the spare, a task he's now gotten down to a SCIENCE since this is the THIRD flat tire I've had in the past SIX months. (Seriously, do I have MAGNETIC tires? HOW ELSE could I have run over 3 different nails? It's not like I frequent construction sites and go joyriding in my spare time.) $200 and two new tires later, my travel adventures (and this blog) finally come to a close.

Moral of the story: double check your departure time.